Picking An Instrument

Checked out that beauty again in the shop at Esplanade today and I was more enamoured with the charming singing voice of her than ever. I knew that was the instrument that I wanted for myself, especially after trying out a range of instruments from S$3k to S$7k at another shop a few days back. Finally, I've found my guitar! Beneath her humble price tag of slightly below S$3k hides a most mesmerising sound. Of course, being with a badly-intoned instrument for the past 3 years, I was desperate to make sure I choose one which has a flawless intonation. As such, my requirements running through my head were as follows: flawless intonation, pure and refined voices from the lowest registers to the highest registers (I didn't believe I would come across such an instrument at this price range until I tried this instrument), versatility (a silky, velvety sound or a stunningly brilliant sound whenever the music calls for that sort of tone colour), a sound which seems to blossom over distance, a pure sound that allows the soft passages to project beautiful across a distance, responsive to the slightest changes in pressure and contact. Not to mention that the instrument has to be aesthetically pleasing as well. The beauty in the shop actually possess all of these rare qualities, at such a price.

Thanks to the immense generosity of Ivan, my fellow ensemble musician, and the kindness of the ladies tending the shop, I was able to get the beauty back home by paying for it with installments. Finally, a dream instrument to call my own! Shall work doubly hard on my technical and musical aspects to be a worthy owner of this instrument.

The Sound Of A Höfner

The Höfner guitar which stands in the Esplanade shop came up in our conversations again. I could still hear the deeply captivating sounds of that guitar even after my last encounter with it was more than a week back.

Just one of the three guitars that stands in that strings shop, the sound of it shines above all the guitars in the neighbouring guitar shop. The unmistakable heart-stirring basses of a German guitar, and the clear trebles that sings like a human voice. One look into the construction of the guitar reveals nothing new or special compared to the traditional fan bracing of Spanish instrument, neither is the back of the guitar made up of the best Brazilian rosewood (in fact just the common Indian rosewood), and it still intrigues the seasoned guitarists in the group that how the guitar can still sound so extraordinary.

If I have only five words to describe the sounds of this German Höfner, they'll be resonant, pure, refined, powerful and responsive.

It still falls short to traditional powerhouses like Paulino Bernabe and Manuel Contreras, but this is definitely a steal at such a price. No extra cost for banned wood, experimental ideas, just pure workmanship alone.

Choosing Pieces For Programmes

Got in the mood to work on my music on this lovely and went through my programme a few times consecutively. While going through the pieces, I got into an introspective mood and started asking myself why I had chosen those particular pieces in the first place. Of course, in the midst of practising those pieces, I had discovered the more intricate beauty of the pieces, but somehow, I felt a need to be re-captivated by the same qualities which had made me choose these particular pieces over the others in the first place. As my brain juggled with such thoughts, there seems to be this miraculous effect of enabling me to caress more musical sounds and phrases out of my instrument, despite having gone through the pieces a few times consecutively. Now, that's what I would consider a rare satisfying run and I certainly hope that I would be able to reproduce that form on the performance day.

A fellow studying musician suggested that I ought to go for my diploma certificate early next year. Well, I shrugged off her suggestion right away earlier today but I have to admit now that after looking at the Trinity syllabus, I am greatly tempted. It certainly caught my attention that a few pieces in the syllabus are already in my performance repertoire. Of course, I wouldn't be choosing the same pieces just to save some effort to acquire this paper qualification, but the very fact that I can easily churn out the pieces which was mentioned in the syllabus do signify that I might most probably be technically proficient to acquire a few of the other performance works mentioned in the same diploma into my repertoire in the next few months. And not to mention that it would certainly be exciting to start forming another new set of programme for this recital diploma.

Alright, let's take a look at the pieces which have caught my attention.

1. Grand Overture Op. 61 by Mauro Giuliani (A sumptuous work which I've been lusting over for the past few months but haven't gotten sufficient reason to start working on it) 8
2. Invocación y danza by Joaquin Rodrigo (One of the most hauntingly evocative works in the guitar repertoire. Love this work exceedingly) 9
3. Prelude, Fugue and Allegro by J.S. Bach (How can one do without Bach? Yes, this work is in my repertoire, but I've discovered a superior transcription from the lute to the guitar of it. Can't wait to try out the transcription.) 12
4. Valse en Skai by Roland Dyens

A pretty interesting mix of Baroque, Classical and Modern music, not suitable for a solo recital, but decent for a diploma programme. These are certainly big works and I have yet to try them. I'm apprehensive about mastering them by next diploma exam. Shall work on them soon later this month and see how fast my progress is before deciding.

I've decided to choose Yuquijiro Yocoh's arrangement of Sakura Theme and Variations for my teacher's Students' Concert as I'm really fascinated by the exotic sounds of the Japanese koto recently. That'll give me some pressure to practise due to the numerous techniques used in the different variations.

Check This Out

Chanced upon this simple and interesting site which gives a brief introduction about most of the instruments around.

Here're some statements about the guitar which caught my attention.

Teachers do like to teach the thing they do best themselves, so if you have a classically-trained guitar teacher, he or she might be reluctant to teach you in any other style.

Makes me recall the number of times I tried to find tactful ways of changing discussions with my students whenever they start talking about pop or folk music. (Don't you see the big grin on my face?)

In our view it is very difficult to learn, and your progress is likely to be slow.

You can trust the writer's judgement on that. Of course, I can't exactly compare it to other instruments for I haven't taken up a second instrument, yet.

The classical guitar is quiet, and therefore not well suited to playing with other instruments, so playing it could well be a solitary pursuit.

Not quite a true statement. I would rather indulge myself in some chamber music than solo music. Anyway, I've realised that classical guitarists who prefer solo playing are often lacking in ability to listen and co-ordinate with other musicians. Or maybe the other way around, they probably don't like playing with other musicians for they can't co-ordinate and listen well.

That's pretty much about it. Not much, but do take some effort to visit this pretty decent site.

Joining A Guitar Ensemble

In Hector Berlioz and Richard Strauss's Treatise On Instrumentation, Berlioz made the following introduction to the guitar -

The guitar is an instrument suitable for accompanying the voice and for taking part in instrumental compositions of intimate character; it is equally appropriate for solo performance of more or less complicated compositions in several voices, which possess true charm when performed by real virtuosos.

What a wonderfully true comment by the master of orchestration. After analysing the strengths and weaknesses of the instrument, he concluded with the following passage -

Its charm is undeniable, and it is not impossible to write for it so as to make this manifest. The guitar, in contrast to the other instruments, loses when reinforced in number. The sound of twelve guitars playing unisono is almost ridiculous.

Such a judgemental comment from this master is made through astute musical observation and sensitivity. Being a classical guitarist, I shall attempt to elucidate on the implications of such a statement which challenges the presence of such ensembles.

As Berlioz had put it, the guitar is an intimate instrument. In a small cosy setting, it is capable of a myriad of wonderful tone colours, richer than many other solo instruments. However, in a guitar ensemble who'll be playing probably the same repertoire as an orchestra or wind ensemble, the tone colours that all the guitars can come up with is so much more inferior to all the different instruments in an orchestra or wind ensemble.

Moreover, given the technical difficulties of the guitar, it really isn't easy to gain control of the full spectrum of tone colours on the guitar. How then are we confident to gather sufficient guitarists with such technical mastery of the instrument to come together to play? I seriously doubt that it is very possible to attain small scale sensitivity in such a guitar ensemble.

And of course, there's the problem of the narrow range of the guitar. Apparently, in the recent years, people have attempted to stretch the possibilities of the guitar ensemble by the introduction of Niibori guitars such as the Soprano Guitar, Alto Guitar, Prime Guitar Contrabass Guitar and Guitarron. Just today, I was asked to join a newly formed Niibori Guitar Ensemble, playing the arrangement of Isaac Albeniz's Sevilla and Cadiz. I always believed that the guitar works best as a solo instrument but I decided to give the ensemble pieces a try. I chose the Prime Guitar, which the normal guitar at its standard tuning. Well, basically I'm more familiar with it and the Prime plays the solo for the slow section of Sevilla, the portion which is truly captivating.

Well, after the experience, I still prefer playing in a small chamber group with other instruments. Despite my dislike for the guitar ensemble, I shall stick to this Niibori ensemble until it starts to interfere with my musical progress...

Homenaje Écrite Pour Le Tombeau de Claude Debussy

This piece of music represents one of the first modern compositions written for the guitar by a non-guitarist in the twentieth century - renowned Spanish composer Manuel de Falla. The work revealed his admiration and affection for Claude Debussy with its persistent habanera rhythm as heard in the latter's Puerta del Viño from his Preludes (Book 2) and a quote from La Soirée Dans Grenade to end the piece.

This modern music captured my attention quite some time ago with her ability to evoke the most colourful scenes of Spain, tinted with the pallet of French impressionism. The analysis by Suzanne Demarquez summed this masterpiece up pretty decently:

Falla's piece is a funeral dirge, a symbolic threnody, so frequent in Spanish poetry, influenced by the musical essence and spirit of his departed friend. Its harmony rests on the fundamental fourth of the typical - and so beautiful - chord of the guitar, E-A-D-G-B. Falla places a short rhythmic phrase on this fourth, a kind of muted and bitter lamentation which resounds like a knell throughout the piece. Several echoes of Ibéria (a symphonic poem by Debussy) form the beginning of a theme, a brief motif in triplets marked by the characteristic chromaticism and the augmented second. The special resources of the guitar are skilfully exploited through the arpeggios, very open chords, glissando scales, punteado effects and octave harmonics.

And of course, Demarquez describes this most beautiful ending section which...

sets in bold relief, like a brief ray of moonlight, the clear appareance of a textual citation of the habanera motif, evoking La Soirée Dans Grenade. It is followed by a brief pause. The knell sounds for the last time and gradually fades away in the silence.

How apt has Demarquez put it. Though this piece of music that lasts just slightly over three minutes, listening to it is a heart-stirring experience as the emotional intensity of this music manifests itself by grabbing your full attention.

And of course, this masterpiece will soon be in my repertoire... =)

Scales Practice

It's been quite some time since I studied and analysed the left and right hand techniques of professional guitarists. Just thought of re-looking at their techniques today, with the hope of incorporating some of their better techniques into my own. As such, I pulled out every single DVD I have of professional guitarists from my collection of music materials to watch.

It came as a revelation to me that most of the differences in their techniques actually stem from their practice of scales. They probably don't practise much scales after turning professional, but I realised that the way their music sounds was still very much dependent on the way they had practised their scales in their youth.

I admit that I haven't been a strong supporter of scales practice before today, despite the fact that my teachers kept emphasising on their importance, which I only discovered today. Even if I were to practise my scales industriously before today, I wouldn't be able to perfect my technique for I didn't know the intricacies of the scale practice that I had to take note of. Comparing the way the different guitarists play, I realise that their overall poise and the amount of control they have over the music actually stems from their movements of the left and right hand movements (all the way from the upper arm to the last joint of their finger).

Most of the DVDs I watched were pretty disappointing. Of course, their music comes across to me as sincere, but I realise that there was 'something' which was holding them back in expressing the full spectrum of emotions in the music they play. And that 'something' was the technique based on the way they practised their scales. Strangely, after that, I just dug out all the scales requirement and started practising on them for hours, and thankfully, I had quite considerable progress.

However, I still wouldn't recommend musicians to whack the scales blindly and merely aiming for speed and 'surface fluency'. I now believe that scales practice is useful only when one has the correct aim of economy of finger and hand movement and at the same time, drawing out the best possible one and volume of the instrument at that particular speed.

Now, tonight is the highlight of this year's Guitar Festival. French guitarist Roland Dyens performed tonight. Now, for my review. If you haven't gone to his concert before, think of the best guitarist in your imagination, and I can only say that Roland Dyens is a much better guitarist than who you have in mind. I'm overly critical of performances most of the time, but the concert tonight has left me utterly speechless. Nothing I write would do justice to him.

Improvisation, musicality, technicalities, interpretation of guitar music at its peak. He didn't have a programme lined up, for he claimed that he wanted a spontaneaous concert suited for the atmosphere this night, with the element of surprise. I was skeptical about that at first, for how could some guitarist pick out random pieces that suit the atmosphere. I had actually shrugged it off as a promotional gimmick. But the concert tonight just made me feel so guilty of such thoughts I had. The music was totally spontaneous and natural, a quality lacking so badly in many professional concerts. Everything came out fresh and in the most special way...

The concert started off with a piece which he specially improvised for this concert in Singapore. It was totally magical, with its mystical and nostalgic mood, so often felt by one in a foreign land alone. Totally reflective of his mood I believe.

He just has this magical talent of producing the most beautiful musical effect out of the technical pieces which has practically no musical value in them at all. Somehow, from his concert, I have believed that no piece in this world is actually not musical at all... Oh well, guess that's something extreme I deduced from just one genius.

He's the first guitarist which will be listed under the section of virtuoso guitarists which I've actually met. He has managed to possess all of the diverse range of qualities used by the two schools of rational and intuitive performers . And yes, that pretty much makes him a prodigy. His music seems to be so well thought out and yet it still retains the natural, spontaneous quality to it.

Maybe all these may seem absurb to some. But I can only say that what I've written still doesn't do justice to his abilities... =)

A Night of Brazilian Music

Classical guitarist Fabio Zanon was on tonight. He started the concert wonderfully with 3 Latin-American pieces. The first piece is Triste no. 1 by composer Eduardo Fabini. An emotionally-charged piece of music to start off the evening and Fabio Zanon's style of playing brought out the spirit of the piece of music in the most wonderful way. The air resonates with the full spectrum of tone colours which he caressed out from his instrument, doing so with limited string noise. Such brazilian and Latin-American pieces fit just nicely with his personal style, though insufficient to recreate the atmosphere of Buenos Aires or Rio de Janeiro in the concert hall, but nonetheless enjoyable.

Also performing tonight is also special guest violinist Betina Maag Santos, who currently resides in Singapore. They performed the Sonata Concertata in A by Niccolo Paganini. Very lovely piece of music with its heartwrenching melody and warm harmonies. That sure inspired me to play some chamber music in the near future. And I've gotten quite some interesting chamber pieces to prepare for the exams and competition next year. Anyways, I was surprised to learn that Betina Maag Santos learned under the legendary violinist Nathan Milstein.

After the interval, 6 of the 12 Studies by Francisco Mignone was on. I have always been skeptical of studies or etudes being played in performances and recordings, for the intentions for which they are written for should restrict them to the practice room, unless the mastery of the particular technique involved creates a most beautiful musical effect. Stefano Cardi had played 1 of the 12 Etudes by Villa Lobos the day before and I thought it'd be better substituted with a standard performance piece. Yet tonight, the 6 Studies were mostly well chosen, and reflects aspects of the Brazilian musical culture.

The finale program piece was marred by the artiste's excessive emotions. Ever tried practising a romantic piece of music and attempting to make it more emotional by trying out different ways to express or shape the phrases, but end up with a repulsive version of it? That's what happened to Ronaldo Miranda's Appasionata. The excessive rubato and dynamic changes were too much and even though Fabio Zanon seemed to be totally immersed in the music, the music which had been produced was outright repulsive. Simplicity is the idea, and that's what the piece lacks. From what I deduced of the music from his playing, the melody line could have been really passionate if he had taken extra care to control the dynamic difference of his melody and harmony. That's also what I've observed from his style. The melodies of some of his pieces had been obscured due to the almost similar volume he plays his harmonies and as a result, sounding a little messy. IF one had sang the melody out mentally, he or she would have realised how musically beautiful the piece could be if several aspects of his playing could be refined.

I really wished he didn't play the two encore pieces, Torre Bermeja by Issac Albeniz and Serenata Espanola by Malats. He made us feel as if he was rushing to end this concert and the beauty of two Spanish impressionistic pieces were thus utterly destroyed in his hands. What a pity. If he could have sticked to the way he played at the first half, it would be a much better concertgoing experience for the audience who were present...

Somehow, his music didn't touch me as much as the previous two guitarists, but his technical capability impressed me the most, which is something very superficial... Nevertheless, I did enjoy tonight's concert. =)

20th Century Guitar Music

An Italian guitarist, Stefano Cardi performed at the DBS Auditorium tonight. I'm glad it wasn't the concert hall, or probably more than half of the audience would not be able to hear such exquisite sounds of the guitar due to his light touch. Of course, when one talks of 20th century music, terms like atonality, avant-garde, experimentalism etc will come into mind, but nope, not for the classical guitar, which hasn't progressed as fast as the rest of the music world. Most of the music presented tonight was mostly tonal, except probably for one by Toru Takemitsu...

He started off with a pretty traditional piece by Manuel Ponce. It was a piece which was written in a Baroque dance style, for that's what Manuel Ponce was famous for, writing in the different styles of music back in history. The beginning of the performance was a little unsteady, but he settled pretty fast into the third piece. I was expecting music which were more dramatic and nonconventional, but was treated to a night of largely harmonious music. I really like his light touch, which was really pleasant to the ears.

It was Toru Takemitsu's kind music which I had been expecting. Mostly dissonant sounds, but it's truly a pleasure to listen intently into how the vibrations interact with each other to bring out the atmosphere. Seriously, if I had just switched off because of the dissonances, I wouldn't certainly have dozed off. Thankfully, I have listened to sufficient modern music to be able to appreciate such pieces. I sincerely enjoyed that piece, but I also happened to notice that the applause wasn't that enthusiastic after that. Guess the audience tonight wasn't able to connect as well... Would it be the same if he had played that piece in Europe?

Stefano Cardi also played two pieces by this Chinese composer Shih Hui Chen. Either he couldn't bring the oriental side of the music out well, or that the composition itself was problematic. But since he was reading from the score for this piece, I guess he wasn't too familiar with it as well...

Most of the pieces he played were written by great melodists in the 20th century and Stefano Cardi has certainly brought out the lovely melody lines with the most crystal clear tone. The problem he had was the boisterous string noise which sticks out like a sore thumb in his music. It has been possible to reduce, if not eradicate the string noise which is extremly unmusical. I don't know, but classical guitarists ought to start spending some effort on taking out this problem before we can even start comparing ourselves to the other classical instruments.

Another problem he had was the slight articulation problem in selected parts of the pieces. And towards the end of the concert, he didn't quite give the music time to breathe. At points where a fermata is needed, he just went straight on to the next section. It was a crucial pause which allows the audience to indulge in the emotions they're feeling at the point, and would have been so much more perfect if he had given the music a little more time to breathe.

Stefano Cardi played two encores, the first is his composition for Fritz Kreisler. A sweet and wonderfully tonal composition. The next is his transcription of Fritz Kreisler's famous Joy of Love. Yes, I can probably guess that he is a fan of Fritz Kreisler. =)

First Night

It was a night of stylized nostalgia. Guitarist Oscar Herrero was able to bring out the full intensity of the spirit of his compositions in the style of flamenco. Throughout most of the concert, neither did he explain his pieces nor attempt to spice up the mood through words, but his music spoke volumes of the intense melancholic passion he had when composing such pieces. He did speak before his last programme piece, but well, it was in Spanish. Of course, most of the audience probably wouldn't understand, including me, but I somehow made it out that he thanked various people for the chance to perform here. Nonetheless, despite the presence of an audience who didn't understand his language, he indulged himself in the music and didn't show any hint of nervousness.

It did bother me at first when he played into the first few bars of his music. I went into the hall, expecting to immerse myself with the deep Spanish culture and mood, after all, his concert was publicised as a flamenco concert. Yet, what visual images his music brought was not at all Spanish in any nature. It wasn't in any way faithful to the flamenco culture. The excessive rubato which will embarrass romantic performers is totally unacceptable in flamenco culture. What he played was clearly a fusion between flamenco, jazz and classical styles, and I really had a problem identifying what genre of music was I listening to. But to brand himself as a flamenco guitarist is totally ridiculous for the very essence of the flamenco culture is gone. It's pretty near to impossible that a flamenco dancer or singer can accompany a guitarist who takes so much liberty with the rhythm. I was absolutely repulsed by the fact that he actually attempted to sell his hybridized music as flamenco music to people like us, naively believing that we are unaware of the music culture in another place. If he had just termed himself as nuevo flamenco guitarist, I truly wouldn't have minded so much. I could see that my teacher was slightly disappointed, or was he just tired? And it's been such a long time since I've had a lesson with him. As for the guitarist, what a pity, can you hear the Spanish world who is so deeply rooted in the pure flamenco culture lamenting out loud?

What had God done to my day? I didn't even intend to buy the tickets for this concert at all. In the afternoon, I just felt an irresistable urge to make my way down to the concert hall to take a look at the merchandise they had there. Upon reaching there, I was just offered a ticket at a highly subsidiesd rate, which was too good a deal to reject. And at that particular seat, it was just one of the best seats available, with the full dynamic range of the guitar audible to me. He didn't play very loud and I really doubted if those at the back of the concert hall could hear at all. All of his choice of repertoire was directed at stirring up a particular visual picture in my mind. After which, the first bus I took at random went through just that particular route we took that night somewhere around this period last year. I've gotten enough emotions to handle from several happenings these week and now that flood of emotions came. And what intrigues me most is that how the happenings of the day flow so smoothly from one to another just to ignite this particular sentiment...

Tonight, it's going to be Stefano Cardi who'll be playing 20th century guitar music. Now I'm really interested to know how it'll turn out for me. It's nice to know that he has quite a wide range of the type of 20th century guitar music for this performance in Asia tonight - Astor Piazzolla, Mario Castelnuovo-Tedesco, Toru Takemitsu, Heitor Villa Lobos and Manuel Ponce. (The last composer is of course a modern composer who was borned in the wrong era, like Brahms, but well, his music is beautiful in a very traditional tonal way.) And he's also playing pieces by composers which I have not heard of at all - Shih Hui Chen (Chinese guitar composer?), Alber Harris, Ferdinand Morton. Let's just see how the concert tonight turns out...

The Perfect Guitar

Have been dreaming of the sounds of my perfect guitar. Every sound from her will penetrate the heart of the listeners and touch them in a very special way. The treble strings will sound like a pure human voice, silvery and rich in harmonics. And for the basses, they will have a rich and warm tone, with a sonority that pervades every single cell of the body. A brush against the strings and the sound of every single string will blend perfectly and harmonise with a silky texture that will melt the most indifferent heart. And yes, this guitar will contain a spirit that will sing in tune with me, be able to leap up with joy or sob with an intense passion...

Now, I'm so in love with this dream guitar. Allow me to indulge in my fantasy for this moment, for I doubt I'll ever be blessed with an instrument with such an exquisite sound in this lifetime...

Beauty of the Fugue

When one mentions the fugue, J.S Bach comes into mind. He's the supreme master of the fugue, a musical form with a texture containing a number of individual voices (a subject and several countersubjects), usually more than two. Fugues usually start with just a short melody, known as the subject, followed by the imitation of several voices in close succession. Yeap, think of that subject jumping, running, skipping and dancing etc. And while the countersubject doing a few stunts here and there, there's the pure subject present at the same time. The greatest monuments of Bach are the Well-Tempered Clavier and Art of the Fugue. So well, that's the fugue in brief.

Just started practising on the Fugue (BWV 1000) by Bach. That's one of the very few fugues I can choose from as the guitar doesn't have the privilege or capability of playing the greatest fugues by Bach. It's still a very lovely piece nonetheless. It's not as easy as it really seems to be. For the first page, most of the fingerings are in the first position, yet it took me hours just to make those notes seem natural at a the slowest speed on the metronome. The fingerings for the left hand aren't hard at all, but trying to control the subject and countersubjects is really challenging. And the very fact that the fingerings on the left hand are easy makes that first page hard to memorise. Problem is that I still can't connect to this piece as well as Prelude, Fugue and Allegro (BWV 998). Due to the time constraints, I guess I'll have to leave the latter to next year. Oh well. But this is the first major piece for the lute by Bach that I'm playing and it's very, very addictive, especially when I think of my guitar being able to sing out this charming piece by my favourite composer at the end of the day. =)

Perfection and Expression

Is it really true that paying too much attention trying to be perfect will decrease one's expressiveness? I think I'm going to focus on the expression for the short performance this Saturday without caring about being too perfect. For the past one year, all my performances have been unsatisfactory and I haven't been able to pinpoint what's wrong. I doubt it's due to the lack of practice for ample time has been given to me to practise. Everytime I step onto the stage, my mind seems to be overwhelmed by the need to be perfect. Now that I've thought through about this problem quite intensively these 2 weeks, I realise that music isn't about perfection. It's not a way to express one's emotion. It's emotion itself. And I'd rather express this emotion well instead of merely perfecting the notes. Therefore, this time, I've decided to change my mindset totally. Forget about perfection, I'm sure I know the notes anyway. I'll focus all my mind on expressing the music well.

Decided to change the pieces to Capricho Arabe by Francisco Tarrega and Prelude from Bach's Cello Suite No. 1. Decided to treat this small performance a little more seriously, that's why I scrapped the new pieces which I've just practised two weeks ago. =)

Well now, hope that the performance goes well on Saturday and I'll get the elusive satisfaction which has been missing...